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course

 

Writing only recently discovered, is my new passion. Or shall I rather say – an outlet? It is a way to free myself up from feelings of hopelessness,  a way to share my vulnerabilities with safely and a anonymously.  You may say it makes no difference if you do not stand upon yourself and do not face the world openly. Agree, but time is my ally.

Ever since starting to write, I discovered the need to let out the emotion, the pain, the weird thought, to document and keep track of my thoughts. You see, travelling constantly and meeting so many but letting in so few is painfully overwhelming at times. Not being able to trust in people and in meantime mastering avoidance, one can not but get enough. Becoming overly philosophical, I have immersed myself in Nietzsche, in Plato and whose else thoughts not. Ironically. Always thought insanity goes hand in hand with immersion in heavy books.

As much as I enjoy thinking about writing and light-fully open the laptop, seeing the soft, vividly coloured characters opening up to my view, the momentum is dead when I have to start thinking and working my way through the sentences,. Writing for myself is not writing for others. Experiences that others seek to hear are far from those you want to hide and yet share on the blog. The ones you want to let go. The ones to put on the bright screen and never look back at. As far as technique is not considered, the emotional vomits push me further. No utility, but what a freedom!

Although enjoying the writing as an outlet for all the unwanted and hidden, repressing emotions, I want to be more, achieve ore, give more. Inspire, influence, make people aware. Because any tool when mastered can change the world. Off we go, with content and structure, vocabulary and voice, flow and engagement.  Essays and blog posts, inspiring notes or simple media captions – that is my goal on the journey over the next couple of weeks.

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be-come

As you can see, goddesses are real. Moving, living, enjoying.

Having supernatural powers. But not the rare and mythical type of, rather ones we do as well. Or others expect us to have. Or the society expects us to have. In fact, having the power does not stay there; you have to master it and become the best version of yourself. Every single day, but especially just after the new year on Gregorian calendar starts.

 

Here is the thing. The expectations when not met are saddening, and definitely not delightful. One may say that you have to set the goals and standards high enough so the expectations are beyond the reach. you have to stretch yourself, you have to focus and master the things, to gain power over your life, over the barriers and expectations.

However, expectations do as much good as they can do bad. Not one can constantly work hard and strive if their expectations, their standards are too high, too broad and unreachable. They never meet their expectations, they never strike down the to do list. Overwhelmed and full of judgement, they regret and do not want to continue the way they seemingly never succeed. On the other hand, the human brain requires doing things you want, not what you do not want. You have to succeed, at least a bit, to want to continue with the journey to goddess, to better self, to gain your personal superpowers. No matter what you see as supernatural, as a superpower, it can be acquired through lots of hard and dedicated work.

Tonight, shape your mind. You want to want it from all your heart. You have to love it, value it, strive for it. Not the result only, but the work. The process. Immerse yourself, dedicate all you, all your energy and will. And see the results coming. Deep focus, strong energy. Become goddess.

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For whom

The most successful people are not busy but focused.

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But what if they do nothing but blame others and focus on ensuring they have nothing to do but relax? What if they do not work for themselves but for others to appreciate? They lose their own focus by shifting to one way or another according to what they think others expect them to be. What others would celebrate, what others would value. Even if they do not know what is it.

I lived through the cycle of focusing and re-shifting my goals for many years. i tried to do my best on every front of my life. Being the smartest, the fittest, the healthiest and the most caring of everyone in class, at the gym, in family. Always remembering everyone and rethinking my actions to not to leave anyone hurt. Or worse, forgotten. I tried to be more independent. To be the perfect woman while being just a schoolgirl.

It worked. My grades were improving, I was getting complements and looks, and got jobs to be financially independent. I was working for money, working for my university, working out for my body. It all went well, until I crashed. Waking up at 5AM to go for a run, being back at 6AM to study, run to the school to be present in classes in which I tried to remember the speeches and facts on products I had to market later in the day… then going to the other side of town to work, and finally come back home just to find out it was my grandmothers birthday today. Not the best way to care about everyone.

I was starting to miss out on small details. Forgetting about tests at school, birthdays and not able to work out without exhaustion became everyday thing. Falling asleep on math class. Having to rewrite tests.

It was the tough lesson learned, but luckily so early enough. One can not be everything to everyone. One has to be for herself. One has to live, not only exist and strive for perfection. Therefore focus should come from itself, not from perception of others. Inside, not outside. The roots matter more than you think. Your dreams, your goals, thinks that matter to you. Whatever they think is important.

Two years later, i can still say I am not perfect. It is hard to live in society if the only thing that matters is you. They call you egoist.

You choose. Either to live for, or live free. Now onward, not starting this year.

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Laws and uses

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We desperatly (have to) want to measure up with surroundings. To fit in community while placing ourselves above nature; we believe in Human Race being a ruler of nature, a man being a changemaker in community. Of course, with short exceptions called catastrophes when the power of nature is beyond us and we hold no influence over some personal interactions. Seeing ourselves as a driver of the world (not only the humankind) we controversially can not but live by the rules of nature, rooted deep into our unconcioussness and other times making use of conscious mind – and knowledge of uncounsciousness.

We have to master living. To take action into our own hands – or, to feel that we are capable of doing so – believing we have power over natural forces authomatically making us ingeniously superior. Law of segregation? Let’s predict the descendants with a partner. Law of attraction? Let’s believe in pseudoscience and make the reality work within dreams! Law of conservation of parity? Not fully explained, yet we seek balance, harmony and symmethry for good.

Best attempts to explain the states of the world have resulted into theories, laws and inevitably in gained power by some actor at some point in the history. It is matterless whether substance and motivation to form a conclusion came from need for affiliation, achievement or the very pure sake of power. Call it authorithy, strenght or influence – it is knowledge, and questionably a safe(r) state of mind.

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Daring

I’m from the North.

From the Baltics. Usually considered the Eastern Europe and ever striving to line up with Scandinavia. But the story is not about that; today I write about the mentalities.

Given the gloomy winters, dewy and thunderous autumns,  clear and bird song filled springs followed by pure but sorely short summers, we work hard in summers to ensure safety and certainty to survive the winters. The clarity needed is coming out in every aspect of life, and you will find Nordic people being straight forward, sometimes even harsh when saying things how they stand rather than adapt to everyone else’s views.

Clarity of thought expressed directly in the speech is only one side of the crystal clear way of life. We may be polite, but rather concise with small but trusted group of people; we trust, but we only trust in those closer to us. We trust in our work, and rely only on what we achieve.

When travelling to Turkey, hitchhiking through southern coast of Spain on my way to Portugal, Coimbra, the two being southern countries of Europe, and Turkey usually considered as the southern non-Europe, one can not but come across the obvious difference in mentality of the game. The game and the risk taking.

Walking the streets of Sevilla in Spain and later Coimbra in Portugal, you see lottery kiosks on every corner. And contrary to what I naturally believed in before, it is not a game for elderly trying to keep themselves occupied. Indeed, men of all ages and income levels seem to find the lottery entertaining and are filling the tickets continuously. Risk is part of the life in the South; in Turkey men play okey in coffee houses to shorten time and of course, win the bet.

Risk aversion is exclusive and luxurious, according to some writers. Bringing the preferences of risky mindset either in investing, playing a game or being a minimalist and owning less, there is a connection. Yes, to afford to be ensured with less, one has to be either backed up with safe place or just mind(less), insane if you like. But even more ridiculous is to think that minimalism is only about things we do and choose not to have. I agree to Snehal – the core is the simple mindset. Period.

Coming back to North and South, to work and play, to safety and risk, daring or affording, you choose. To risk or not to; save or play; to freelance or work nine to five. The only thing you have to afford is to believe in yourself. Not more. SBecause, you see, we live in times where surviving the winter is as simple as taking a flight to south. Everything i up to you.

Dare to live.

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The Flow

One year ago, starting the blog I kept up for about a week and no more I never imagined where my life would unfold in the following  year. And let me telly you that no, this is not pre-New Years Eve post looking back at the accomplishments and success of the past calendary year. Rather a story of expanding horizons.abstract-paint-texture-3-1.jpg

You see, the reason of naming blog EstSee meaning Estonian See (or Seeing Estonia), was my goal to survive the Northern winter with a hope and goal to travel around Estonia, my new home country, discovering ts rural  charm, meeting masters of traditional craft and swelling in Estonian culture, the one of past.

A year later, October 2017 I had not only travelled throughout Estonia (and abandoned the blog),but also gone to Hungary, felt in love, come back, gone through the hardest heartbreak, launched another blog (even more depressed), finished exams, gone to Turkey on Ramadan, worked on a dangerously beautiful but bizzare Isle of Sark for the whole summer feeling like in a nightmare, and met the most wonderful people when hitchhiking to Portugal from the North of France.

Needless to say, moving to the smallest of the three Baltic States was only beginning to  my self exploration initiating the new life and the ultimate dream. Now with my backpack on, pseudo laptop, camera and postcards from my ever the best friend with whom I shared school desk for twelve years I am free and capable to go wherever I want. Nothing can stop you, except for you.

 

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SEE

See New Latvian Movie: Chronicles of Melanie

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Waking up when as military officers are getting into your house and being told to leave your home forever in couple of hours. It is a painful story kept out from everyday life, story that one would try to forget forever, also my grandparents. Overwhelming and unthinkably real, that is many people’s story of Soviet Union times.

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Here a short history class is needed. As Soviet Union was enormous in terms of territory as well as nationally diverse, it was convenient for government to deport middle and upper class  property owners,  move them across whole Union to deprive any chance for nationalists to hold together and rebel.

Though both Estonia and Latvia have experienced deportations, recent movie The Chronicles of Melanie is Latvian made and gives a great sight on woman who is put in a train, driven to Siberia and left to survive with nothing but child and mother to care for.  And when the chance to break out of mud comes.. .Emotionally striking, slightly melancholic but at the same time surprisingly inspirational – it is absolutely worth watching.

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Director Viesturs Kairišs

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